I first noticed my obsessive compulsiveness when I was in Secondary School. I would start writing in my notebooks and make one mistake or not like how my handwriting was looking and instead of doing the normal thing people do (cancel the bits they don’t like) I would just tear off the entire page. And I would do this again and again, till all my books got limp. We are talking something like a hundred page book down to 20 pages. When it was my final year of Secondary School and it was scrapbook time that was exactly what it was for me. I nearly turned mine to scraps. I still remember my friends teasing me about it. I realise now that I carried this attitude towards certain aspects of my life and evidently, blogging has been one of those aspects. “How many ‘new blogs’ have you had, Enny, for Gahsake!”. Okay, look, the thing is, I like things a certain w… no actually that’s an understatement, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of perfection and the irony is that I never come close. It irks me when I realise that things aren’t moving in that direction so like my school notebooks, it gets to the point where I get that uncontrollable urge to scrap and start over, thinking that the new page will be error free. Only now have I deeped how problematic this way of thinking is. In fact, its rather jarring. What could have been one well rounded ‘book’ full of phases, errors, and good stuff to look back on is now a series of very limp disjointed books that I probably can’t even find, talk less of piecing together. Don’t get me wrong its good to put pressure on yourself and subscribe to a higher standard and there are times that you have to scrap that page or chuck the entire book and start over. However, many times you need to just keep it moving and COMMIT to what you’ve already started. Keep the imperfect pages, look back at it, learn from it and keep striving. I remember only a while ago, I went to see my academic adviser about redoing all three of my autumn term essays because I had REALLY fallen off track last term but (LOL) I didn’t get that opportunity. Those essays were only one third of my total assessment and I had the other two thirds to succeed in. I’m glad I wasn’t allowed to redo them because keeping the not so good stuff is a reminder that I have to push extra hard now. I guess acknowledging our patterns of flawed thinking is the first step towards progressing and this is it for me. This is my last restart at blogging. Don’t get me wrong you’ll see me edit, restructure, and that but this blog is here to stay given that this altogether is something I’m still interested in.
Blogging is therapeutic for me. “Trashcans” represent my need to physically dump my thoughts and ideas somewhere. It’s trash because its all messy. I choose to stick to the spontaneity of blogging, creating in an organic way and dumping stuff on here when and however I feel like. I don’t really look at myself as part of a ‘blogger community’, even though at some point I was compelled to think that I must be. I don’t feel the need to meet up to anyone’s standard or impress anyone. Life is a race but it doesn’t mean its a competition. This is me doing me for me because I feel like it. I used to be afraid of people not getting it, not getting my abstractions and what not and in the process I lost a sense of identity. I’m not afraid of that anymore. Quite frankly, IDGAF… There will always be flaws here, there will always be that one post I will look back on like wtf… But I’ll keep it moving this time and when it all comes together, I would have created MY “Goldmine”. Something I can look back on and get a taste of my headspace and what it felt like to be me at each point in my life… A short while ago, I felt so much negative energy drawing me in and I lost motivation for anything but GOD pulled me out and now I’m ready for this fresh start..
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